This has basically become the place I come to write when I really don't want anyone else to read it...and yet, I desperately need to get stuff out.

I don't understand anything right now. It's as though things are falling apart before my eyes. In fact, I just looked at a picture of myself and reminded myself that I am in fact beautiful...so why am I acting this way?

I've started treating my body like shit. What happened to my health kick? I still know all the rules. I just have been "enjoying" depriving myself and then breaking them all...making myself sick and depressed and lacking energy. It's really this horrible cycle. And everyday I tell myself I'm going to break it, I just make it worse.

So I think tomorrow I'm going to completely start over. I'm going to eat a huge breakfast. If I even can.

I don't know who to talk to.
1. I don't think anyone will care enough
2. I'm afraid that I'll cry and make a fool of myself.
3. Maybe I should start listening to others...
4. I've let everything get too far.

It's just that the walls are crashing down around me. My dad is bipolar. I just found it out. And all I can think about is how I want to have things balanced and okay: like my mom. And the harder I try, the worse off things get. It's impossible to be perfect.

And that's another thing. I try to hard to be perfect. I don't even want to talk to someone about things, because then they'll know how fucked up I feel my life has gotten. Yet, in reality, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about things.

Maybe i'll just sit back and watch life go by again. That's I how used to do it. Ha, what a horrible idea...couldn't think of anything worse actually.
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Actually...only one person comes to mind when I think of someone I want to talk to: dan. We havn't even known eachother that long. And yet I'm still really scared. It's so hard to open up about things. But if I don't, no one will ever understand.

I don't want to go to sleep, because I know that if I do, I'll never want to wake up. One more day. One more day.

Oh, and the title of this entry: funny that I just read that book.